Man this is a heavy topic. Honestly I don't deal well with the topic but we are going to a viewing today and a funeral on Monday for a family member and C being as smart and inquisitive as she is I thought it would be good if we got prepared.
I asked my mother in-law who has worked in hospice for many years and worked in a child bereavement camp for some tips. The main point she hit on was K.I.S.S! Not the band with the creepy tongue guy! It stands for Keep It Simple Stupid! The less information at this age the better. They just are not capable of understanding death on the scale that a older child or adult can.
I'm Christian so when C asks me for instance " where is your daddy mommy" (which she ask's me at least once a week) I say what I truly believe. "He is in heaven! We will see him again someday".
C also had her first fish a while back and was asking what happens to it. I was SO torn up about having to explain that she could no longer see her beloved "Blue Fish". My mother in-law got me a Mr Rogers video on explaining death. I agonized over it for days waiting for her to ask me the Big question! Thoughts of just replacing it with a new Beta were quickly dissolved by my husbands desire to be honest with his daughter. Humph how dare he! This could scar HER FOR LIFE!!!!
The Truth was I was the one with the issue with death. I was the one that had the scars over losing my father at 7 years old to suicide. The worst part of all of it was the fact that I was never really able to have closure. My mother who had divorced my father really wanted to shelter me and thought I was to young to go to the hospital where he lay a vegetable or to the funeral. Maybe she was right in doing so I will never know what it would have been like if I had had someone explain it to me properly. It didn't help that I was told he went to hell by my mothers side and someone from my fathers side later told me if I had been at the hospital perhaps I could have brought him out of it. UGH the baggage I carried around from that statement. Words do hurt folks and kids carry some of them around well... forever. It is so important to give children time to grieve to let them feel it and go through all the emotions associated with grief. No its NOT fun but it is healthy for them in the long run! On a much brighter note God put me right where he wanted me; living in this fantastic family. My husband grew up with a Hospice nurse for a mother, they know death and they know healing! God is good!
So anyway back to the fish! She finally asked about the darn thing and I panicked and copped out and made my husband do it while I gritted my teeth and waited for the wailing then wait for it wait for it... "Ok can I have some ice cream".... WHAT??? No tears? No sobbing? No sleepless night over dear old blue or blue fish whatever the darn thing's name was?
Nope not a one. The answer he gave was simple and kind and she excepted it.
I know a beloved family member and a fish are not even close to the same thing but its a starting point an opening into a conversation that makes us all squirm in our seat. So dare I say I'm thankful for the fish dying. I'm sad that she lost a pet but it gave me an opportunity to learn something more about myself and the resiliency of children .
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